Every Monday was “End of the World Day” that’s when Winnie would gather us together where we would discuss and often sob about the inescapable prospect of Doom’s Day. Whether the topic was the nuclear holocaust, earthquakes, flash floods, or WWIII we always went to bed that night with a sick hopeless feeling in our stomachs. There were signs that we were continually on the look out for. For example, if we were hit with a nuclear bomb the sky would turn a vivid pinkish orange color, followed by a complete loss of power, and eventually radiation fall out would drift down from the sky like snow. Hence my hatred for sunsets, blackouts, and ashes.
Prior to an earthquake the animals would act in peculiar way, horses would pace back and forth in their pens, dogs would bark at nothing, and hide under furniture, mice would stop scurrying, and cats would disappear into secret places. Any time our dog Headcold would bark I would become frantic and could not rest until I discovered what he was barking at. Anytime old man Derker’s horses were found running and neighing in the fields I would take them apples or carrots to calm them. I always felt if I was able to quiet them down there must not be anything to be cataclysmic approaching.
It was Winnie’s desire to have the most primed, savvy, and well prepared children ever born. Ready for any and all eventualities. But I didn’t feel primed, savvy, or well prepared for anything. I was utterly paralyzed by fear! Not only were our minds plagued with the prospect of a natural or nuclear disasters but with Biblical ones as well. You know, the moon turning to blood, unquenchable fire, Mr. Apocalypse and his four horsemen, the mark of the beast and so forth. Terror became my constant companion. I couldn’t abide hearing any conversation that included the following: hurricanes, tornados, lunar or solar eclipses, daylight savings or explosions of any kind. My mother would say things like “It’s a sign of the times” and “See! It’s happening just like it says in…” she would then quote by heart a lengthy scripture that would coincide with the current event at hand that would chill us to our very cores. I would then quietly leave and go into my room to hide under my blankets where I would cower for hours at a time, which made me glossy eyed and feverish. Winnie would look at me feel my forehead and ask “what’s wrong with you honey?” All I could say was “I don’t feel very well” and being a wonderful nurturer she would make me a cup of soup and bring me a coloring book and a new box of crayons. I only superficially enjoyed this activity. The Looney Tunes characters bringing little comfort to my tormented mind.
On one occasion we were to watch the move ‘The Day After’ to further prepare us for the fate of mankind. It’s a film about an American city that is hit by a nuclear bomb. Winnie, never having seen it, felt sure it would be just the thing to instill in us the all important message of “He who fails to prepare, prepares to fail.”
Being in her comfortable chair she settled in and promptly fell asleep, while the rest of us viewed with unspeakable horror as the mushroom cloud appeared and both people and animals were obliterated. The unfortunate survivors had to endure their hair falling out, festering sores, uncontrollable vomiting, foaming at the mouth, and living amongst the rubble that was once their home.
After the movie we were served root beer floats and ginger snaps. We didn’t eat, but instead wept and clung to each other for solace, even Ben. Being no more than five years old it was my understanding that this was going to happen, we just didn’t know when. The absolute fright I felt at this prospect stayed with me for over a decade.
The next day all five of us decided to dig out a fall out shelter in our front yard. We dug it so deep that three of us were able to sit inside quite comfortably. That is until Nyna Morgan and elderly friend of Winnie’s came for a visit and fell in. We were told to immediately fill it back up. “Well,” I thought “I guess we’re all going to suffer radiation sickness and die just because she’s too old to watch where she’s going.
I never told Winnie about my gloomy notions. If only I had asked “Mommy, is it true that I am going to die an agonizing or horrifying death? Is it true that I’m going to have to watch everyone in my family rot and decay away? Is everything lovely and beautiful around me going to be destroyed?” She would have probably been able to dispel all these dark thoughts but as it was, I never had the courage to ask. Because what if the answer was actually “Yes, Agnes it is all true dear, I’m sorry. Would you like me to bring you some paper dolls?”
No comments:
Post a Comment